[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.