Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
dude it’s called proctologist
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!