*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.