DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.