If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now