Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.