My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly