Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.