When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Buck naked
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it