Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.