“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
The Backseat Boys
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.