[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘