4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Tough love is true love
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.