Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.