No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Fixed this for Shakespeare
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef