We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.