her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”