Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Worst perfume name ever.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate