Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.