GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth