When someone trying to leave me
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb