Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Made something I’m not proud of
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse