The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
men are simple creatures
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?