It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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Anime is real
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Dietest Coke
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.