I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
#NoRestForTheWicked
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.