inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Love thy neighbor’s dog
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies