Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Great game to play with friends
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!