Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
no one likes gloating
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.