Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The struggle is real.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.