[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.