Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
You Might Also Like
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade