NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad