Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
You Might Also Like
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me My dog
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.