ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The Joker was right
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.