Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
You Might Also Like
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
😂😂😂
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.