My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.