“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
August 8
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry