6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
damn he’s good
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people