#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Why are bridges so flammable.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.