Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”