It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’ve been drinking.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I did not eat the cake…
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.