I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”