Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Lmfao
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
God has abandoned us.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Meow
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”