Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Have a lovely day 😊
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
welp
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee