Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
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20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast