Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
You Might Also Like
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Hotels are back
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.