I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
#NeverForget
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were