[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander