Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
You Might Also Like
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
🤣😂
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
ok this is my dumbest yet
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”