A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Why is everyone getting married at me
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?